It’s not my fault.

I just wanted to write yet another honest post. Allmy life, I’ve battled with eating issues. I’m only 39kg. Which is about 6 stone. My appetite can go upand down, but what doesn’t help, is when people constantly go on that I’m apparently losing weight. I know how small I am. My arms, legs and wrists are very very thin. Do people think I want this? No. Do people think I’m anorexic? Yes, but I’m not. I do not have anorexia nervosa. I know I have to eat, which I do. I just end up eating small portions. But Is there a problem that could have been lerking around under the surface? That we might have not known about? No-dout the endoprine will look into it. Anyway: Virtual hug.

Posted in Uncategorized | 114 Comments

An honest post, but one that must be done.

I never thought someone would make me this happy in a long time.

Today of all days. I awoke with not much to look forward too, except lunch with my aunt, as well as other things. The usual on a Saturday morning. I still had the abuse from the trolls coming at me from all angles. Making fun of my religion, as well as telling me my grandmother wished she had kept me up for adoption and not taken me on at all. It’s all there for everyone to see, I have done that for a reason. To raise awareness of what people can do online. I used to let it get to me, make me feel suicidal, That I wasn’t worth it anymore. They would turn my friends against me, as well as gaslight people who wanted to rekindle their friendships with me. The best part of the day was yet to come though. A part that would bring me to tears, but happy tears.

Afternoon, or thereabouts, when I have a message from someone, asking if I was okay. It was a person I had grown to like very much as we had a lot in common. we had previously fallen out because I said stuff that hurt her deeply. We both made each other hurt.. I was so pleased she had got back in touch, as I do believe in reconciliation. I do not believe in grudges. There is however, some sort of connection I think between the two of us though. We fall out, then we come back. God has obviously decided we are meant to be by each others’ side. It’s taken a long time for me to realise but I think I do realise now. I have no interest in boys, not dating guys at all. I tried, but every time I did, the feeling of them coming into my space was too much. With women, I feel safer. I can trust them. If they can trust me. I have never ever actually properly gone with a man, because of the way I felt. One could argue that it’s because I’m blind, but I do not believe this is the case. I’m not afraid of that though. I guess, it’s time I confessed and told everyone. Because I’m feel safer around women more than men, because I feel there’s an understanding of how each other works in general, biologically speaking, women understand each other, I think that has only lead me to one thing. I am gay. It’s taken a while for me to process that, to think about how to say it. To think about how to tell people. If celebrities can go out in public and tell their fans, then why can’t ordenary people. It will not affect my faith. I’m catholic and proud to be catholic. I’m proud of my identity as a person. But new to the whole identifying in terms of sexuality. I used to crindge at the idea of gay men and women kissing etc. I guess now it’s just become the norm in society. You know, every few people, some of them are LGBTQPlus or one of them at least. But the way someone made me feel today. Just took it to definity. It made it finite. After speaking with them for a while, tears started to fill my eyes. Prickling them, wanting to come out. We had found each other. Found where we’d meant to be. But obviously, it takes time for things to change. Or, for peoples’ feelings to change. They may never want to be with you in that way, they may just want to be very close friends. It’s a boundary I have yet to learn. Feelings of close attachment and love are feelings I again, have yet to learn. I have to learn to give the other time, on their terms. You can’t just rush into a friendship, or relationship. It has to be on both your terms and theirs. That’s where things go wrong if people rush. I have been brutally honest in this post, yes. It takes a lot for me to do it, but I will, if it helps others. The thing is, how will people react. That’s the nervous part. You just have to face the music I suppose. It’s the age old fear of people getting angry. Parents losing it. Because it’s the unknown. But, it’s 2021 not 1961. Gradually that stigma seems to be slowly disappearing. Too slowly for my liking. I’ve thought about it. Scientists such as Oliver Sacks, Alan Turing, and many others were gay. So it doesn’t matter your sexual orientation. It’s not going on any forms for professional perposes though. Even though they will ask. I’m not going to say. It’s something they do not need to know. My business. Today has been a very strange day. One which will probably stay with me for a long time, but I don’t care. It’s time the world accepted people for who they are. Not shunned them away.

Posted in Uncategorized | 18 Comments

A new piece of tech

Good morning. It’s really about time I went to bed, but I can’t yet. I’m starting to play around with this new piece of tech that I have bought for university. It’s called a victor reader Treck. It’s from a company called Humanware. A very nice piece of kit it is too. You get the box with some headphones, a USB cable plus adaptor. As well as that, the shiny new Victor reader treck, which comes in a rubber casing. It’s quite small, but thick. As well as being able to read books, One can explore their surroundings, listen to the radio, go on routes to certain places. THERE are many other things it can do, however I’ve only just worked out how to turn on the wifi and listen to the radio. I shall publish more reviews once I’ve started playing with it a little more.

Posted in Uncategorized | 116 Comments

A friend I never thought I would make.

Over the last few days my moods have been like a swinging pendulum as you have seen. I am touched that a candidate from the political arina, happened to take to me along with his wife. It means so much that people are actually saying how inspirational I am. If they said that to me a few months back, I would have cried. It sometimes still makes me cry when people do that. Not because I’m liking praise, but because I have not had it said to me by ordinary people for years. All I’ve had is abuse. it sadens me, that people have nothing else to do, other than pick on others. For that, I pity them. I’m not holding grudges against them, but I’m going to say to them, please go and seek some sort of therapy for the traumas you hold so deeply. I’m not a part of them. I hope everyone is as well as they can be. I’m going off to do some studying, as I would like to do the best I can in this year’s module.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

An open letter

‘I just wanted to write an open letter to people. I do hope you will all read this and at least try to understand. Most of this letter will be aimed at AC and VC. That is, AJC and VC her mother. I have written to you victoria in private, but as a form of compensation for the damage I did in the past, I would like to donate towards Antonia’s care. However much you ask. I will donate more than 20 pounds, as that doesn’t do justice. If there is anything I can do, to help A with making new social media accounts I will donate my time to helping her. If there is anything I can do to prove to you that I’m not actually theperson I was online, I will. I wasn’t involved in the target campaign against you, infact I didn’t participate at all. I sent the person in question the video of her speaking, but I didn’t know as to what extent they would go too, to A. I take responsability for that part, but I was not involvked in anything afterwards. So, if there is anything I can do, to sort things properly and not cause stress for either party, with legal action etc, I’m willing too. I hope you do see this victoria as You may not have seen my message. Or are not acknowleging me, but I hope you see this at least and do think about it. For the rest of the people I upset, I know I’ve done it multiple times, and multiple times, you had the decency to give me another chance. I do think about you Anna every day and wonder how you are doing. I hope your eyes are okay and that you’re not losing your sight yet. If you are, you know where I am. If I can help you I will. For everyone else, I know you were trying to help me but instead, I just stuck 2 fingers up and didn’t listen. I have been talking to people today and also thinking about things. The chat we had wasn’t a pleasant one, but it needed to be said. I’m going places now with my life, and I don’t want this to affect me in the future. I am doing well with my degree and many other things. So I’m hoping we can all just stop being nasty to each other and at least build some kind of bridge. This isn’t a scripted apology, neither is it an easy one to write. But if we can sort everything, without wasting the police’s time, then that would be good on all parts, not just mine. And before you think that I’m saying that to beg you not to go to them, I’m not. I know how much it would stress all of us with our own conditions, and am thinking about all of us, not just myself. Anyway, I hope you will all take the time to read this and acknowledge it. Thank you.

Posted in Uncategorized | 150 Comments

A rosary can do so much!

A rosary in your pocket.

a rosary in your pocket, that you clutch to your chest in times of need, in times of forgiveness. When you make mistakes, repeatedly. Then lie to get out of them! Risk your own friendships of many years, but now you’ve had enough. You send out that SOS call! And still, that rosary sits in your pocket, or on your bedside table, along with the holding cross made of olive wood. The very thing you wouldn’t have dreamed of holding to your heart 4 or 5 years ago. BUT now, since Lourdes, the faith is stronger. Ever more growing with each week! The same mistakes keep happening, and your friendships get destroyed or almost. So then, you come clean. Then the ripple affect starts to show. YOU deal with it the normal way, through sadness, and prayer, but still that rosary is in your pocket. Or round your neck. Still those meddals hang near your heart. The water from lourdes you used to cross yourself and plead for a miracle. Plead for help, not just with friendships, but with you too. And finally, the day came! The day your closest friend helps you, helps you to understand, reenforces noone hates you or anything, that she’s going nowhere. And that she will always be by your side, for as long as she can. But then, God gives one last miracle, more friendship potential, but at the same time, I must not ruin things now. This is the clean slait. The fresh chance, and now with help on the way. I know I have to fix the problems myself, but I am trying my best to find all the tools. And where is that rosary all the time? Still, in your pocket. Round your neck, on your heart! The sun is shining. Starlings are whistling. The wind is warm, and the sound of the children playing is carrying across the summer breeze, with jets flying overhead, humming softly as they chriscross through the sky. As cars travel to their destinations, as roadworks carry on, as the island returns to normality, even with covid still hiding, still threatening. Vaccine or no vaccine. But life goes on. And life will only get better. It will continue to get better, if that rosary is still in your pocket.

Posted in Uncategorized | 13 Comments

Surprising friendships and memories.

Friendships come up in surprising places. The friendship I had for 12 years, which started on a social network for the blind, as did another friendship with a friend I have known for 6 years, long may it continue. Now though, the memories of the friend I had for 12 years, still keep appearing. Every time I see a weather alert for his county in the US, I think to myself, what would he be doing? Getting excited over it? Ringing me and saying, sam, we have a thunderstorm warning: We’d both be waiting for the storm and the warnings to increase. Wondering what hail we’d hear or thunder that boomed so loudly it cracked like a pressure cooker. I might not be able to see the lightning, but I love the sound of it. The sound it cooking the air. Then in 2020, our friendship was haulted, by something I said to him. I still wonder though, How is he?

A year later and the loss of another friend, who I met online echoed the pain of losing my other friend for 12 years. We’d not known each other for very long, but again, I messed up causing the friendship to go downhill. I can make friends so easily, but it’s keeping them that I struggle with. Some thought I have autism, but I’ve not had the propper tests for it, but so far, nothing. A positive light though, is that I have now made friends, with someone I didn’t think I’d get on with. Which is very good. I would like to thank all the people who are helping me. The teams of professionals who are helping me with behaviour etc. The people who are helping me to grow and are still supporting me, even if at times, I do make mistakes. I think people with brain injuries are misunderstood. A lot.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

A day I never thought I’d see.

3 years into my degree, plus a stint at another university in Preston, saw something I would never even think of. The words I never thought one would hear me uttering. “I actually think I have a flare for statistics.” Really? Really. Yes. I think I have a love for stats. But also, my love for neuroscience has been reborn. For 2 and a half years or so, my confidence has been shattered. Shattered by a fierce hate campaign which behind the scenes, is still going on. I must apologise for the fowl language you are seeing on my blog, but I would like people to see the abuse I get for themselves. This post is not a post about abuse or hate though, but I needed to take a few moments to make that apology. Just in case one was wondering what has happened. ,why the tone has changed from the way it used to be. I do say in the precis of my blog, that my life is a swinging pendulum. Including my career prospects and/or university studies. That you have seen. But always, always, what draws me back to psychology, More specifically cognitive psychology, is the brain! A beautiful, tofu consistancy of gyri and sulci (grooves and folds) that is who we are. What we are. Our thoughts, actions, memories, behaviours. Our very being! What fascinates me most? A damaged or broken brain. How it works, or doesn’t work. What happens when structures such as brocca and Wernicke’s area encounter stroke. What happens post hemispherectomy/hemispherotomy. What happens when epilepsy is intractible/refractory. How does parkinsons’, degenerate our brain. What is dystonia or corticobasal degeneration. Mnd, motorneuron: disease. I could go on with the fascinating discovery of CTE, Chronic traumatic encephalopathy. I won’t bor you with all the stuff that fascinates me, as there’s too much to list. Yes, my love for medicine is still there. My love for researching all the pathogens and viruses of old times, is still there. All the while, in the background though, my love and fascination for neuroscience and neuropsychology as well as cognitive psychology is still there, but what I’m starting to learn now, is that it’s about to be taken up a level. A level which will push me into the level3 zone, and hopefully to a graduation! I have people telling me, how can you become a psychologist, when you can’t even handle your own problems? Can’t I? Well, it takes understanding from doctors, the client/patient, their families, friends and or social workers and psychologists. As well as GPs. What I have is an acquired brain injury, meaning I acquired it after birth. Be it mild, the impairements still make themselves known. I sometimes struggle with social interaction, struggle with empathy, with tolerance. I know that. I am aware of this now. I strugglewith not making the same mistakes over and over again. I have epilepsy, as a result of the brain haemorrhage in my right hemisphere I had a month after my premature birth. My tiny brain was still developing. I have wondered all my life as I’ve mentioned neumerous times, what is wrong with me? Why is it, I used to be able to empathise? Then I went through a weird personality shift that was scary. Extremely scary and one I would not ever want to happen to anyone else without support, or anyone to guide them through what is happening to them, because I know the frustration. Know the anger, the violence, the rages. The amnaesia because of trauma response. I have been there, I still go there at times, I still lose it emotionally at times, but I have better control, with Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) My life is not easy, when you combine all this with POTs, (postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome) and ehlers-danlos syndrome. ,people with acquired brain injuries, I would like to learn to help you all. If I can. Even adults. Young children and adolescents. I can empathise with you at least. I feel the frustration you all feel, the anger which turns to rage so strong you can’t stop it. By the time the shot has been fired (metaphorically speaking) it’s done. You don’t know what’s just happened. You’re frightened, panicking and remorseful at the same time. People are shouting at you, or you are running away from them. You’re still angry, scared, emotional, what the hell have I just done! Why did I do it! What’s happening to me! But you can’t figure it out. It’s a jumbled sensory overload getting stronger, to the point you want to end it. You know something’s happened, something seriously bad has happened, you’ve done it. But why. Why! Why! People come in and ask you, while you’re still shaking, crying, trying to control your breathing, as it’s exacerbating your asthma. They say: What happened? I don’t know, is all you can say! They ask you other questions, but you can’t remember! It’s a blur. Did it happen? Did it even happen at all? Yes, it did! But I can’t. I won’t force myself to remember it. But you have too! It’s too painful to remember, the shouting and the arguments, that lead to that event, where your hands shot outwards. before you could stop them! Then, the remorse, the pain of the fact you’ve just hit someone you love. Rumbles over you again like a volcanic pyroclastic surge. Yes, you relive the whole thing again, but with missing bits. Your brain has shut down. So yes, the amnaesia is there. But, it’s still playing in your head. The moment you lashed out. Nothing else. Like a loop record. Over and over and over again! You can’t sleep, as it’s still playing. On and on. You can’t breathe for crying. And you start coughing. Yep, there it goes! The night’s sleep from hell! Where is time going? Flying by, but not in your head. It’s frozen, frozen to that spot. And you can’t move it!

Yes, I get it! I want to help people understand their brains. Try to help them with their mood. With their brain injury from all aspects. I’d love to help them with language too. would love to see them succeed with all the technology needed to help them through their lives! All because I’ve been there! I know. I know the trauma, both online and offline. I’m still going through trauma of online hellish abuse! But guess what? I have my degree work to do! This strenthens me! Like Prof steven joseph says: What does not kill us, makes us stronger. A must read. About trauma. So there you are. I am starting to learn empathy now and it’s very strange. It’s like a new emotion I’m having to relearn. Wondering why I’m crying at things. Wondering “why do I feel like this?” Very very strange indeed! But I’m prepared to go through it. To help others like how I was. To help them regain the strenth I have regained. I know I’m not there yet. There’s still a long long road. But I’m going to climb it. It’s a long mountain to climb, but I will.

Posted in Uncategorized | 24 Comments

interesting times.

These days are going to be interesting I think. Having read through some of my books, for this year, I can see that I’m going to enjoy this module. I do think though, some aspects of it may be hard, considering the visual parts.

Although, spss memories will come back to me I think from Preston. Although I didn’t succeed there, which still makes me angry with myself, I really enjoyed some of the lectures and meeting all the, lecturers. I just hope that some day, I can go down the neuropsych route. People like me are misunderstood. I’m intelegent yes, but I struggle sometimes with certain social issues. I’m endeavouring to get better with that though. People do say they have seen an improvement in me, which helps. It’s very strange though, that people still want to stalk me and send me strange messages about being outside my house at about 11:30 PM or 11:45 PM. Why do they have so much time on their hands to obsess over me. It’s all very odd. After this blog entry, I may go upstairs to read something, or end up having a sleep, as every time I take my medication, I always end up asleep. We think it may be to do with the pots or EDS, (Ehlers-danlos syndrome.) Who knows. Have a good day everyone.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

A year on from lockdown along with an update.

Last year, my mental health crashed. I never really thought at the time lockdown with affect me. At first, I enjoyed it. Afterwards, I started to struggle. Abuse on social media along with the brain injury issues we never realised were happening resulted in me coming off all social media for a break. I did however, still post on my blog. Therapy in lockdown was quite easy, but the loss of a friend whom I had been friends with for 12 years, still affects me to this day. I only wish I could send him just one message asking how he is. Asking what he’s doing. Does he still have the same interests he did last year before I lost my friendship? Does he still think about me and wonder what I’m doing? Yes, I still grieve for that loss even now. The brother I never had. I still wonder how he is and how the dogs are as well as his cat. Yes, I remember everything. The times we would speak at night and talk about many things. How he saved my life after a seizure. Yes, I still commend him for that. therapy has been going well, but I would like to be assessed by a neuropsychologist. I have found one. Who is nice and approachable. ‘I still don’t know or understand why I have a kind of amnaesia after an argument, even on social media. I genuinely can’t remember how it started. What I said to provoke it. Sometimes, I read things I said and genuinely can’t remember saying them. I ask people, how did I upset you. It wasn’t on purpose; then comes the worry. The lies and the abuse. Yes, I still have that, even now. I’M still doing okay though, even though my moods swing like a pendulum up and down. Times when I’ve felt awful, after the fake suicide episode, in which I was made to believe a fake person on facebook had attempted suicide. I am doing better with my university studies. After passing my first level2. I’m now going into the second module, with a slight feel of trepedation, as it’s statistics, but I should be okay. Again, thank you all who are reading my blog and following me. It means a lot that you are all still here. I’m hoping to see my friends in the UK in October, so that’ll be interesting. I’ve decided, if I get Covid, I will get it. There’s nothing I can do but accept it.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment