3 years into my degree, plus a stint at another university in Preston, saw something I would never even think of. The words I never thought one would hear me uttering. “I actually think I have a flare for statistics.” Really? Really. Yes. I think I have a love for stats. But also, my love for neuroscience has been reborn. For 2 and a half years or so, my confidence has been shattered. Shattered by a fierce hate campaign which behind the scenes, is still going on. I must apologise for the fowl language you are seeing on my blog, but I would like people to see the abuse I get for themselves. This post is not a post about abuse or hate though, but I needed to take a few moments to make that apology. Just in case one was wondering what has happened. ,why the tone has changed from the way it used to be. I do say in the precis of my blog, that my life is a swinging pendulum. Including my career prospects and/or university studies. That you have seen. But always, always, what draws me back to psychology, More specifically cognitive psychology, is the brain! A beautiful, tofu consistancy of gyri and sulci (grooves and folds) that is who we are. What we are. Our thoughts, actions, memories, behaviours. Our very being! What fascinates me most? A damaged or broken brain. How it works, or doesn’t work. What happens when structures such as brocca and Wernicke’s area encounter stroke. What happens post hemispherectomy/hemispherotomy. What happens when epilepsy is intractible/refractory. How does parkinsons’, degenerate our brain. What is dystonia or corticobasal degeneration. Mnd, motorneuron: disease. I could go on with the fascinating discovery of CTE, Chronic traumatic encephalopathy. I won’t bor you with all the stuff that fascinates me, as there’s too much to list. Yes, my love for medicine is still there. My love for researching all the pathogens and viruses of old times, is still there. All the while, in the background though, my love and fascination for neuroscience and neuropsychology as well as cognitive psychology is still there, but what I’m starting to learn now, is that it’s about to be taken up a level. A level which will push me into the level3 zone, and hopefully to a graduation! I have people telling me, how can you become a psychologist, when you can’t even handle your own problems? Can’t I? Well, it takes understanding from doctors, the client/patient, their families, friends and or social workers and psychologists. As well as GPs. What I have is an acquired brain injury, meaning I acquired it after birth. Be it mild, the impairements still make themselves known. I sometimes struggle with social interaction, struggle with empathy, with tolerance. I know that. I am aware of this now. I strugglewith not making the same mistakes over and over again. I have epilepsy, as a result of the brain haemorrhage in my right hemisphere I had a month after my premature birth. My tiny brain was still developing. I have wondered all my life as I’ve mentioned neumerous times, what is wrong with me? Why is it, I used to be able to empathise? Then I went through a weird personality shift that was scary. Extremely scary and one I would not ever want to happen to anyone else without support, or anyone to guide them through what is happening to them, because I know the frustration. Know the anger, the violence, the rages. The amnaesia because of trauma response. I have been there, I still go there at times, I still lose it emotionally at times, but I have better control, with Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) My life is not easy, when you combine all this with POTs, (postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome) and ehlers-danlos syndrome. ,people with acquired brain injuries, I would like to learn to help you all. If I can. Even adults. Young children and adolescents. I can empathise with you at least. I feel the frustration you all feel, the anger which turns to rage so strong you can’t stop it. By the time the shot has been fired (metaphorically speaking) it’s done. You don’t know what’s just happened. You’re frightened, panicking and remorseful at the same time. People are shouting at you, or you are running away from them. You’re still angry, scared, emotional, what the hell have I just done! Why did I do it! What’s happening to me! But you can’t figure it out. It’s a jumbled sensory overload getting stronger, to the point you want to end it. You know something’s happened, something seriously bad has happened, you’ve done it. But why. Why! Why! People come in and ask you, while you’re still shaking, crying, trying to control your breathing, as it’s exacerbating your asthma. They say: What happened? I don’t know, is all you can say! They ask you other questions, but you can’t remember! It’s a blur. Did it happen? Did it even happen at all? Yes, it did! But I can’t. I won’t force myself to remember it. But you have too! It’s too painful to remember, the shouting and the arguments, that lead to that event, where your hands shot outwards. before you could stop them! Then, the remorse, the pain of the fact you’ve just hit someone you love. Rumbles over you again like a volcanic pyroclastic surge. Yes, you relive the whole thing again, but with missing bits. Your brain has shut down. So yes, the amnaesia is there. But, it’s still playing in your head. The moment you lashed out. Nothing else. Like a loop record. Over and over and over again! You can’t sleep, as it’s still playing. On and on. You can’t breathe for crying. And you start coughing. Yep, there it goes! The night’s sleep from hell! Where is time going? Flying by, but not in your head. It’s frozen, frozen to that spot. And you can’t move it!
Yes, I get it! I want to help people understand their brains. Try to help them with their mood. With their brain injury from all aspects. I’d love to help them with language too. would love to see them succeed with all the technology needed to help them through their lives! All because I’ve been there! I know. I know the trauma, both online and offline. I’m still going through trauma of online hellish abuse! But guess what? I have my degree work to do! This strenthens me! Like Prof steven joseph says: What does not kill us, makes us stronger. A must read. About trauma. So there you are. I am starting to learn empathy now and it’s very strange. It’s like a new emotion I’m having to relearn. Wondering why I’m crying at things. Wondering “why do I feel like this?” Very very strange indeed! But I’m prepared to go through it. To help others like how I was. To help them regain the strenth I have regained. I know I’m not there yet. There’s still a long long road. But I’m going to climb it. It’s a long mountain to climb, but I will.