Tomorrow, I restart my swimming lessons, which I am half looking forward too. I say “half” because I know, I will be finishing off the work I started the week before, which was when my anxiety levels peeked… I think I know what’s triggering the anxiety levels to rise, if I break it down though:
•I overthink things.
•I anticipate things that may happen, or in reality, will not happen. Example: that the instructor will let go of me suddenly, without warning, and I will float off somewhere, ending up out of my depth.
This causes my breathing and heart rate to both increase, and me to burst into tears, but why?? I know that both the above things would not happen, and if my instructor was to let go, she would warn me, but that in turn, would increase my anxiety also. I wish I knew the answer, as to why I overthink things, anticipate things, and why I can’t be rational. I am being rational at the moment, but tomorrow, just watch, when the time comes, all rationalities will disappear, within seconds. I need to calm down, to slow my breathing down, to focus on my actions, not reactions, and what the consequences of completing the action in a positive manner will be, being that it will be a rewarding outcome, as I will have achieved, and conquered one more part of the fear that I have. I’m starting to read books and listen to documentaries about Carl Rogers, and listening carefully to his views. Asking myself, do I possess some of the traits he’s trying to work on with clients? Meaning, Do I live life to the full for example? Referring to a quote he made somewhere. Do I need to be more aware of myself? Yes, I do, and with the more I read, the more aware I am becoming. Is that a good thing, or a bad thing? That’s a rhetorical question I suppose, and can be answered. Let’s see how tomorrow goes, and I will write a reflection blog post on it.