How I’ve behaved in the past, acknowledging faults, and reality’s sadness

Friendships, easy to make, but hard when broken. Questions are asked, answers are harsh. Harsh, but true. Acceptance is hard, but must be done. Reality is harsh, sad, but we must deal with it. Deal with what we are dealt.

Night, and an arrangement has been made. “I’ll meet you at 7” she says, before leaving the room. When they’ll see each other next, the atmosphere, will be cold, and charged with anger. It’s after lectures, and the student leaves college, walking off to halls, where she will meet her friend. Heading in full of excitement, she carries on, unpacking her stuff, and preparing cups, teabags, potential snacks. A potential audio described movie, what ever takes their fancy. 7 pM comes, and goes, with the ticking of a clock, the hour goes on and on, until 7 becomes 8. Where is her friend? She picks up her phone, and tries to call. No response. Texts; no response. Feeling worried, she tries again; nothing, and again. Finally, she is forced to give up. Tears well in her eyes, she walks out of her room, down the corridor, to hear her friend with another person. Slamming her door, she sits, upset wondering, “What have I done?” “Why has she deserted me?”

A few years later, the same person, is trying to make friends with people, who at first, seem polite enough, kind enough to accept her questions, and inquisitive mind. Kind enough to add her on FaceBook, to exchange numbers, to perhaps stay in touch. The next few days though, they all disappear. Without a trace. Either remove her off their lists, or avoid her altogether. What is this? Why is she constantly being rejected by people? Yes, she is enthusiastic, curious, full of questions, has thirst for knowledge, but isn’t that normal right?

There is one problem though, accepting, that this person, me, has faults. Many of them.

1. I’m too assertive, and outspoken.

2. I am quick to judge.

3. I’m opinionated, and am easily offended.

4. If corrected, I’m defensive.

5. I’m not very good at understanding others at times, I may, for example, just say (oh get over it) or, (oh deal with it) without considering them first. Then I ask myself, would I be good as a psychologist, if I’m not paitient? If I’m quick to judge? Yet, there is a caring side to me, that does show when people are in distress, that is revealed, all too quickly, and I become protective, and defensive over their care, as well as what is happening regarding their care. Regarding news stories, I’m easily disgusted at government mental health funds.

I recently watched a BBC Drama, (cuffs) which detailed the story of a guy with a mental health condition, depression and paranoid schizophrenia. He was threatening the police, but I could tell his voice was filled with anxiety, and and a longing, a longing for help, for empathy, for someone to talk too, just so he could stop ending up going in that same vicious circle, police, ambulance, hospital, crisis team, home, police, ambulance, hospital, crisis team, home. You get the picture. I sat there, while the young rookie officer, went in, all guns blazing, threatening him, until the older more experienced officer, pulled him aside. “Let me deal with this” he said. His response, gentle, warm, empathetic, calm. A voice of sincerity, safety, reassurance. What the guy needed. Finally, upon arrival at hospital, despite furious protests from the poor guy, he eventually began to open up. He once did have a job, but was fired. He once did have a life, but it spiralled. We now knew a little more. “That’s it. that’s it. Keep talking. Tell us more. Tell your story. Why are you in this state now? How can we help? How do you want us to help?” were my thoughts. I kept listening, gripped with his every word, his voice trembling, calm but still anxious. He wasn’t quite trusting the young officer. I knew this. My mood, turned from one of anxiety, to empathy, to one of concern, sadness, loss, fury, how can this guy be helped? Why is no-one doing anything. Why this circle, that goes on, and on. Finally, after yet again, another crisis team being called, the police had to leave. The young officer by this time, had grown concerned. “We can’t just leave him” was his response, but they had no choice. The officer was right. The guy was lonely, alone, depressed, in danger of harming himself, and needed serious help. Help, was sadly too little, and too late. A short while later, the drama informed us, the guy had committed suicide. That made me even angrier. Please, I ask a lot of people, listen to these campaigns,that celebrities are doing in order to raise awareness of mental health. People need more than just a small bit of community help, and help in A&E. They need more than just one visit from a CPN. They need more. Friends, friendship, empathy, no-one fearing them, support, someone to listen to them, to talk to them, to be there for them, to refer them to the right team for help, and that team to follow it through, for that team to give all the support they can, when they can, 24 hours a day. If crisis teams can’t always be there, then have a community psychologist, or at least someone trained. If the government listened, more lives could be saved. There would be less lives, ending up like the guy in Cuffs.

Please listen.


About samantha ash

I'm 24 years old, totally blind, and suffer from Epilepsy, which is controlled. My interests include Neurology, Psychology, anything to do with the weather, and other documentaries. I am also a classical singer, though not professional. I am studying towards a degree in Neuropsychology at University of Central Lancashire. I wish eventually, to pursue a career in neurorehabilitation, or in neuropsychology, in order to help those who have sustained traumatic brain injuries, Acquired Brain injuries, stroke, and other neurological conditions. I wish to help them to cope psychologically too, and help them to see the positive side to the life that they have now. As someone with a disability myself, I wish to tell those, "Do not say that you cannot do something. I do not wish to hear that. I wish to hear that you can, and you will succeed." If you enjoy what I post on here, feel free to comment, or contact me on or feel free to like my facebook page. Enjoy reading. :)
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