This year at the OU, started out being good, making the modules accessible for me, and so far, getting good feedback. Little did I know however, things were to change. A storm was brewing, and I would not be rescued. At least, no-one was able to save me. There was going to be a lot of rough seas and I was meant to navigate through them. The waters would be high, and my metaphoric boat would be pitching, and rolling all over the place, with the possibility of capsizing.
Two weeks previous to the writing of this post, and I receive my results for my first level 2 TMA. Not expecting good results, I opened it, and heard a horrifying result. The mark was 42. A very low pass. Yes, I tried to tell myself, (Yes. You’ve passed.) (You’ve passed.) That’s all I tried to tell myself, but over the top of that, came a wave of anger, of upset, and annoyance. How could I have done so awful! This was not like me. 42? Why! I was informed my grades would dip, but surely not this low! I was trying not to cry, but broke. I could not hold it in. The tears were tears of frustration I suppose, tears of anger, anger at myself. I’d not just let myself down, but let others down, who expected more from me, but were too polite to say so. Now what was I to do. I was trying to improve, but every time I try, I fail. I thought, as a way of calming myself, perhaps I’ve faired better on my other module, SDK228. Little did I know, a more nastier shock was in store.
Yesterday, the 8th December. I receive my email. As usual, I opened it, hoping against hope, it was better than the other one. I read the mark. It was similar to the other mark. Yes, I’d done well, but not as well as I’d hoped. Not again! I thought. A double-shock for me. I’d done well yes, but that’s not good enough. At that point, I just lay down in bed, buried myself in the bed covers, and began to cry. Cry with anger, depression at myself again, upset at my dip. I felt utterly worthless. (Don’t talk to me anyone, just leave me alone. I don’t deserve it. I’ve just let you all down. Why would you want to be friends with someone that lets you down. Why do you want to help someone that lets you down? I know I’m going to prove everyone who thought I wouldn’t make it right aren’t I! I know I will) Anxiety, frustration, and depression was flowing last night. I eventually went to sleep, but not after crying. I dare not mention it to anyone. I mentioned to Nan this morning, I’d gotten somewhat good results, similar to last time, but I think I’d struggled with part of the question, and misunderstood it. She accepted that. For that, I’m grateful. I however, know that I for one, don’t want a repeat of this awful storm in the next two assignments. I need to somehow, get out of this metaphoric storm, and into the sunshine. Out of the thunderstorms, and/or tornados of frustration. I need to try harder. I know where I went wrong, so have to fix my errors, ASAP, before the end of these modules. I need a 1st, not a 2:2! No way do I want a 2:2,! Even if I have to push myself, i will! I”m not giving up! That’s not in me! I’m not a quitter. You can throw challenges at me, but I will find any way to overcome them.. Sometimes though, we all need a helping hand, or a little guidance. We’re too proud to admit that, I know, as I am. I have been.